Tuesday, 23 June 2020

Don't raise perfect children!!

Do not raise perfect children!

Yes, I too, was amused at that statement .

As an empowerment coach I want performance and results, and my work towards getting my clients to do just that. A few years ago, I was given this statement or you can say commandment.

 I was doing the Call of Destiny workshop with my mentor Arfeen khan, tired at 8pm after starting at 7am.

This is about 7 years back now and this statement changed parenting for me, despite having children for 10 years already.

Today, my son has joined the journey to transform mindsets and lives at a tender age of 14, he speaks those words that I speak at 49!!

Truly sometimes, I feel proud, some times, I choke with emotions of joy and excitement as what he was and what he is now a huge non measurable change. I feel blessed and content, I push him to excel and then let go, I push him again and then let go. Giving him space to grow at the same time, giving direction to grow as well. How much he imbibes is left to him.

We come to a mutual rules of communication and that’s priceless to me.

In 2014 and 2015, my life turned upside down. Subsequently, so did my children's. From a family of 6 to 8 people, we were left to three of us and no certain future.

I always place value as the top most priority in life and any violation of them would result in me being strict and angry.

If I just blew my fuse, my both children had it - game over. As a result they would hide things from me and maybe inwards, be terrified if they made a mistake.

All this just because expectations were not met!

We take life too hard at times and fail to remember that things need to be created and left to blossom on their own a little direction and more love and compassion is to be provided rather than direction. You have everything you need already in yourself.

Like my mentor says, an iron fist in velvet glove, it’s a art to be mastered for sure .

Going back to that day when my relationship changed with my children forever...

I completed my assignment and it was very emotional as I was writing everything down. Many things started giving me clarity on where I am going wrong in life and what I should do about it.

Overall, it was magnified mirror and I was looking at all the flaws in depth so that I could improve, every aspect, including my children.

The burning question in my head was
what must I do, to get my children to be the best version of themselves? More importantly, I wondered, how?

I struggled with this question in my head from 3 pm to 8 pm that day. I wanted an answer, I wanted a solution. I felt I was not doing enough

Why did my children not score 95 percent? Why did they not listen to me?Why is that they don’t understand the importance of what I say to them? Why would they spend their crucial years like this? How can they choose their friends over me?


It frustrated me to a level I was obsessed into making them perfect. Or my definition of perfect. In the process, there used to be arguments, anger and even punishment.

Looking back I did not want parent like me. I wouldn't have tolerated one like me.

I was so wrong with all the right intentions.

There is a huge bunch of people trying to get Arfeen's attention and as always I waited patiently to see if he noticed me and let me speak.

I was also in two minds on whether I should ask or I should keep quiet as it would make me look an imperfect parent in his eyes. I took the courage to be vulnerable in public as few people were listening around me.

And he listens patiently, and he always throws these one liners as answers which can have many meanings and connotations, it’s self discovery and our own perception to what he says, and how we choose to interpret and apply them.

He looked at me from that stage and said, "GEMINI - DO NOT RAISE PERFECT CHILDREN"

I remember feeling disappointment,I wanted advice, I wanted a solution, I wanted him to tell me do this do that and what not. All I got is that one line. I knew him very briefly yet, I had this strong belief that whatever I learnt from him was life changing.

So my journey of being a different kind of mom with same goals and vision for my children. I let my children do things in their way, giving my feedback of new ways of doing the same task to get better results.

I let them choose for once.

Giving them their me time with friends let them be, not being worried how that friend impacted their behaviour, empowered them with the understanding how each friend will impact the quality of their thoughts and their behaviour.

Let them make tons of decisions, financial and others.

Give them a budget for the year and let them decide if they want to spend or save. And if they did choose something stupid (in my perception) I would give my pro and cons and let them still buy it if they wanted to. Loads of talking and listening, trusting them in every single thing they do. Forgiving the mistakes and highlights the lessons learnt rather than arguments. Cooling off time after an argument is around an hour, I recognised how to give space. Post that, no discussion and repaying. No name calling and no labelling. No comparison ever.

There are no judgements between us,
we are open with our weaknesses and when we're wrong.

Well the list is endless. Parenting is a journey and they are not your identity,  good or bad behaviour is not the benchmark of parenting.

We all make mistakes, how we rectify them for a smoother and stronger bond is what matters.

Wwhen I see one child being quiet, researching human psychology and surprising me with her wisdom and compassion and some super creative make up hacks. She holds my hand almost every day and says, 'Mom I love you.'

I can tell you, I feel content and happy that I am successful in being the right environment for the growth and emotional strength of my daughter.

For a child, who never did any household chores to a a child who worked till 2 am to complete her set of chores while her exams were going on, has been a sign of understanding, acceptance, dedication.

Does that mean the chores were done perfectly every single time? Of course not.

The observation is what all did she do to her best and how it made a difference to her mom. Yes, my daughter, like any other teen has her own game plan.

All I do is give my perception of the situation, brain storm and ar the end it’s her decision.

With my younger one, who is now being featured on live TV shows and has made me think, how much potential a child  has only when we don't put our limiting beliefs on them."

When I get so many parents tell me, I want my son to be like yours, I want my children to do this and that. I would humbly want to mention to you, something very important.

Do you want it or does your child want it?Have you walked the talk yourself?
Do you want him to do what you want them to or do you want to empower them to be themselves?

It’s a very thin line! When you invest in yourself to grow it’s a ripple effect.
When a child is happy and full of enthusiasm to grow and develop you know the environment you are providing is awesome.

When you have a child who is brilliant and does not know what’s stopping them, lead them to coaching. Coaching is not about correction. It’s not about being like someone. It’s about becoming your own hero.

While I get tons of enquires to coach teens, I ask the parents of THEY'RE game for the transformation. They always look confused as to what have they to do.

It’s the kid who is disrespectful, he or she is anger driven, he or she is this or that low attention span, is under confident etc.

However,they fail to realise that when it comes to children, is actually different formula.

Take Charge 5x formula works on teenage children who are looking for growth and emotional strength.But only if parents are ready to add those changes into their perfect parenting methods.

Every child need emotional strength and support before any long term  transformation. No doubts.

Do you agree?
Does your family know such teens and parents? Or are you one of these parents?
Are you ready to mend your ways?

Share your thoughts and answers in the comments below!